The Restore Network

Lying and Stealing as Fear Responses

Last week we talked about how "fear bullies our children into misbehavior" and we began to name certain behaviors from our kids that could have fear as their underlying cause. Behaviors like food insecurities, sleep struggles, separation anxieties, aggression, and more. After publishing that conversation, I had three people ask me about lying and stealing. So I am continuing our fear conversation and we're "chasing the why" specifically to tackle the challenge of lying.
But closely related to that often for some of our kids is also the behavior of stealing, so you're going to hear me bring up many examples of both in this episode and the "why" behind both behaviors is closely linked. We'll unpack more about stealing next week.
In this episode we tackle:
-lying as learned behavior
-lying as self protection
-lying better understood as "verbal impulsivity"
-lying as a fear response
-our own role in our child's lying
-how not to invite a lie
-how to help create new neural pathways to truth telling and honesty
-lying as highly correlated with FASD
-and more!
 
Episode references: 
Unpacking What We Bring to the Relationship training module (training credits offered): https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/whatwebring 

Calming Fear with Felt Safety

As we continue to grow in our understanding of the youth we all interact with in foster care, fear has to be a big part of that conversation. Our youth have experienced lifestyles of scarcity and caregivers who were often abusive. Their nervous systems got a lot of experience in the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses but not a lot of time experiencing calm, regulation, and safety. Because of this, they can often continue to display fear based behaviors in our homes or childcare settings. You might see....
Hypervigilance-asking lots of questions and always looking over their shoulder, unable to settle.
Behaviors that come on suddenly when it gets dark out or you mention it's close to bedtime.
Separation anxieties.
Eating food in hiding and storing the wrappers in strange places.
Running away.
....and so much more.
"Fear bullies our children to misbehavior."-The Connected Child book
But we can help them overcome their fears by being people and setting up environments where they experience felt safety. We can do so by being predictable caregivers-watching our tone, volume and posture and following through on promises. We can provide them with increased structure or rhythms for their days, full of transition cues and rituals. We can overcommunicate when things change or when they'll have new experiences. We can offer them choices so they'll feel in control over these little areas of the life--since so much of their life has felt so out of control. We can help calm the fear response with felt-safety.
 
Episodes references:
The Connected Child-Chapter 4: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
TBRI Animate: Toxic Stress & the Brain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTcFTpGve4g 
Fear & Felt Safety Training Module (training credits offered): https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/feltsafety 
"Chasing the Why" podcast episode: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/understanding-unusual-or-challenging-behaviors-by-chasing-the-why/ 
Choices & Compromises resource: https://therestorenetwork.org/choices-compromises/ 
Magnet Schedule: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B3GQNP0?linkCode=ssc&tag=onamzther00e8-20&creativeASIN=B01B3GQNP0&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.19KHSZORJX6MW&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin 
Timer: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07WFDZ72L?linkCode=ssc&tag=onamzther00e8-20&creativeASIN=B07WFDZ72L&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.19KHSZORJX6MW&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin 
 
 

Maybe It's Not Just Trauma? A brief look at ADHD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, & Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder

Last week we recognized that because of our kids' early experiences, many of them are stuck in younger stages of emotional regulation and development and need us to lower our expectations and provide more coregulation and support. This is a good starting place for all of us parenting kids with histories of relational and developmental trauma.
And a lot of us will begin to see real healing occur when we do this and provide the kind of supervision, co-regulation, and support our kids need. 
But for some of us, we'll still see confusing or difficult behaviors from our kids and wonder what else might be going on.
This is a moment for us to consider whether the "trauma lens" is all we need to have on. 
It might be. Or we might need to consider a few other things that make sense of the difference in our kid's chronological and developmental age.
In this conversation we briefly unpack 4 of the most common additional lenses we might need to consider for our kids; ADHD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder (FASD).
 
Episode references:
"Chasing the Why" podcast episode: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/understanding-unusual-or-challenging-behaviors-by-chasing-the-why/ 
The Connected Child-Chapter 3: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
The Center for Neurobehavioral Guidance (FASD-Illinois): https://centerforneurobehavioralguidance.org/ 
Trying Differently Rather Than Harder (FASD): https://www.amazon.com/Trying-Differently-Rather-Than-Harder/dp/0972953205
"TBRI & FASD" podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tbri-fasd/id1566206875?i=1000669909806  
The Connected Therapist: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Therapist-Relating-Through-Senses/dp/1737205203 
The Out of Sync Child (SPD): https://www.amazon.com/Out-Sync-Child-Recognizing-Processing/dp/0399531653 
Riley the Brave's Sensational Senses: https://www.amazon.com/Riley-Braves-Sensational-Senses-Challenges/dp/1839973110 
"All Things Sensory" Podcast: https://harkla.co/blogs/podcast
ADHD Resource: https://www.canva.com/design/DAF7eJrFzV4/GCZ2pMS_sFG9LMX4jCw7MQ/view?utm_content=DAF7eJrFzV4&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=uniquelinks&utlId=h2a501ffdc4 
Autism Resource: https://www.canva.com/design/DAF7eEoMi1I/S-gN8yE2KmzH2Xi_gfutIQ/view?utm_content=DAF7eEoMi1I&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=uniquelinks&utlId=h072d2a7f1b
SPD Resource: https://www.canva.com/design/DAF7eCQ95WM/AqB27Rg2cmz0t_J2Eo864g/view?utm_content=DAF7eCQ95WM&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=uniquelinks&utlId=h7d6ca04222
Sensory Checklist: https://therestorenetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Sensory-Checklist.pdf 
For an Occupational Therapy provider list for families in the counties we serve-email abennett@therestorenetwork.org

Meeting Our Kids Where They’re At: Developmental vs. Chronological Age

Have you ever thought, why doesn't this child act his age? Have you ever been confused by behaviors coming from your older youth that you'd expect from a younger child? Have you found yourself having to give more supervision, more support, more guidance than you thought you'd have to for a child this age?
If so, then you're beginning to see one of the ways in which children who have complex trauma can get stuck in younger stages of emotional dysregulation and lack the skills that many of their peers might have. 
That's the bad news.
But the good news is that when we recognize this, we can change the way we see the child. We can lower our expectations, meet them where they are at, and provide the kind of support and co-regulation that begins to close the gap between their chronological age and their developmental age. This is one example of the "healing" we can offer offer our children as safe, regulated, and connected adults. 
Episode References:
Connected Child Book-Chapter 3, page 35: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
Life After Placement: For Foster Families: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/life-after-placement-foster-families/
 

The Lesson of the Second Year of Life: Who is in Charge Here?

In previous episodes, we talked about the attachment cycle and how infants are created to have their needs met by predictable safe adults which builds an infant brain wired for connection. We also recognized that children who have histories of trauma, likely didn't get that and likely developed brains wired for protection instead. But the harm likely didn't end in infancy. 
The lesson of the second year of life is, "Who is in charge here?" and the answer should be, a regulated safe adult that balances structure and nurture to build a brain that responds well to authority and has resiliency as they face the demands of this broken world. 
But again. That is likely not the story of our children. 
In this conversation we revisit the idea that stress chemicals cross the placenta and enter the baby, changing their neurochemistry, before they even enter our world. Then we explore typical child development during the toddler years and the consequences of a young child who is met either with passivity or aggression by the adult in charge. 
When a young child isn't met with a safe caregiver on duty, the answer to "Who is in charge here?" becomes, "I am."
 
Episode references:
TBRI Animate: Toxic Stress: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTcFTpGve4g
Connected Child Book, Chapter 2: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
What Happened to You?: https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resilience/dp/1250223180 
 
Regulation Podcast Series Parts 1-8: 
Awareness Brings Empathy-Part 1: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-awareness-brings-empathy/
Identifying the Stress Response-Part 2: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-identifying-the-stress-response/
Identifying Triggers-Part 3: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-identifying-triggers/ 
Making a Safety Plan for your Whole Family-Part 4: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-making-a-safety-plan-for-your-whole-family/ 
Taking Care of Your Own Nervous System-Part 5: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-taking-care-of-your-own-nervous-system/
Proactive Strategies-Part 6: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/proactive-strategies-for-supporting-regulation-part-6/
Keeping Behaviors Low & Returning to Calm-Part 7: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-keeping-behaviors-low-returning-to-calm/
When Behaviors are Scary & Where to Get Help-Part 8: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-when-behaviors-are-scary-and-where-to-get-help/ 
 
 

Continuing the Attachment Conversation: Supporting a Youth Who Shows Indiscriminate Attachment

As we continue the conversation about building trust and secure attachment with the kids we welcome into our homes through foster care & adoption, we want to learn about something often overlooked by parents and professionals but critical to understanding our kids and mitigating future vulnerabilities for them. That thing is called indiscriminate attachment.
Do you have a youth who frequently approaches strangers, offering them more verbal or physical affection than might be appropriate?
Do you have a youth that struggles with boundaries?
Do you have a youth who has a history of being passed around a lot as an infant or young child, having a history of many different caregivers?
Do you have a youth who struggles with authority?
If so, then you may have a youth whose brain and body did not wire itself around a secure relationship with a safe adult but rather many different people and they struggle to now understand the difference between safe parental authority and other adults...seeking validation and connection with everyone...or nobody. 
In this week's conversation we explain what indiscriminate attachment is, how it develops, what we can do as caregivers to help these youth grow healthy attachment to a safe person, and a tool you can use to teach healthy social skills and boundaries. 
Episodes references:
Circles Tool Example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfBiZQkfPnc & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsSdyDNovzs (you do not have to purchase any program-this is an example of how to talk with and teach your child about appropriate social interactions). 
 

Building Attachment & Giving Our Kids What They Missed

Moving a brain from protection mode to connection mode is as simple and as complicated as it sounds. The good news is, we have a template for where to begin. God's design plan for the start of life shows us the exact relational principles that we need for the start of our relationship with the new child we've just welcomed into our home, no matter the age. The tricky part comes in being creative and intentional on how to get those moments of relational goodness when it's a bigger kid standing in front of us! Join us for a conversation on building attachment through the relational gifts of proximity, eye contact, safe touch, playfulness, & consistently meeting needs. Then join us for more on this topic next week!  
 
Episode References:
The Birth of Your Relationship: https://therestorenetwork.org/the-birth-of-your-relationship/
 
Attaching Through Play: https://www.canva.com/design/DAEZHRaStoE/M4GnWCSGFtNwp2ES6RdHSg/view?utm_content=DAEZHRaStoE&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=uniquelinks&utlId=h5597bf5177
 
Adoption Support & Preservation Services: https://www.brightpoint.org/strong-families/mental-health-wellness/community-based-services/ 
 
Theraplay: https://theraplay.org/ 
 
Becoming Trauma Informed: Attachment, online training course https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/attachment
 
Becoming Trauma Informed: Unpacking What We Bring to the Relationship, online training course: https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/whatwebring 
 
The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Showing-Up.../dp/1524797715
 
Amazon Recommendation List: https://www.amazon.com/shop/therestorenetwork  
 

God’s Design Plan for Infants: Understanding the Attachment Cycle & the Consequences of Unmet Need

You've heard us talk a lot of about your child's need for true healing, how to create a healing environment, and how you are the most important healing agent in your child's life. But what exactly is it that needs to be healed? To understand what was broken, we need to first understand God's intended design plan for the experience of an infant and the lesson of the first year of life: trust. 
Then we need to understand that for the vast majority of children whose lives have intersected with the foster care system, they actually didn't learn trust in the first year of life but rather mistrust and their brains were wired together for protection, instead of connection.  
In this week's conversation, we lay out the problem, and in next week's conversation we'll start to build a plan together for going back to the first year of life and dealing with these unmet needs. How do we move a brain from protection mode to connection mode...more on this next week! 
 
Episode references:
Connected Child Book-Chapter 2: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
"What is the Attachment Cycle?" short video with cycle imagery by Empowered to Connect: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azUol3w_AIY 
TBRI: Attachment Animate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIhATiiM-Pw   
Becoming Trauma Informed: Attachment, online training course https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/attachment 
The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Showing-Up-Parental-Presence/dp/1524797715 
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 
 

Understanding Unusual or Challenging Behaviors by ‘Chasing the Why.’

In last week's conversation, we encouraged foster/adoptive parents to see yourself as the most important healing agent in the life of the child you are caring for and to find the kind of community providers that bring you into the healing process and support you in your caregiver role. In this conversation, we give you a practical first step in navigating those confusing or challenging behaviors, 'Chasing the Why.'
Whether you are a foster/adoptive parent, a volunteer caring for a foster family, a church partner caring for a youth in your congregation, or another community member struggling with the behaviors of a youth you are in relationship with, this can be such a helpful practice!
'Chasing the why' means we lean in to better understand our kids, we bring them close to observe, we document what we see, then we put our detective hats on and look for triggers and patterns that help the confusing or challenging behavior make more sense. Then we relationally or environmentally make changes and work with our kids to grow skills they're missing all of which leads to changed behaviors and healing.  
 
Episode references:
Connected Child Book-Chapter 1, page 9: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
Becoming Trauma Informed: An Introduction training module: https://therestorenetwork.thinkific.com/courses/introduction 
Behavior Iceberg: https://parentswithconfidence.com/product/iceberg-behavior-visual-18-x-24-poster/?add-to-cart=4687  
Regulation Series Parts 1-8: 
Awareness Brings Empathy-Part 1: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-awareness-brings-empathy/
Identifying the Stress Response-Part 2: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-identifying-the-stress-response/
Identifying Triggers-Part 3: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-identifying-triggers/ 
Making a Safety Plan for your Whole Family-Part 4: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-making-a-safety-plan-for-your-whole-family/ 
Taking Care of Your Own Nervous System-Part 5: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-taking-care-of-your-own-nervous-system/
Proactive Strategies-Part 6: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/proactive-strategies-for-supporting-regulation-part-6/
Keeping Behaviors Low & Returning to Calm-Part 7: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-keeping-behaviors-low-returning-to-calm/
When Behaviors are Scary & Where to Get Help-Part 8: https://therestorenetwork.podbean.com/e/supporting-regulation-when-behaviors-are-scary-and-where-to-get-help/ 
 
 

Medication, Therapists, OTs, Oh My! What To Look For As You Navigate Supports For Your Child.

When you're a foster parent and you're struggling with a youth in your care and you reach out to your casework team for help, it's not uncommon to receive a response with two limited options: medication or talk therapy. While it's possible that one or both of these tools will provide a baseline of regulation needed for your youth to grow and heal, it's also true that YOU can be a healing agent in the life of your child. In this episode, we'll recognize medication as helpful but also a tool that has to be used alongside the safety and trust of a caring adult relationship. We'll explore traditional talk therapy options and what to look for in a provider-hint, it's one that includes the caregiver in the healing relationship and doesn't point the finger at the child as the problem. Then we'll share our favorite professional support for foster families-occupational therapy! 
 
Episode references:
Connected Child Book-Chapter 1: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001 
TBRI Professionals Near You: https://child.tcu.edu/tbri-practitioner-list/#sthash.fCkdYAwU.dpbs 
Theraplay: https://theraplay.org/
Adoption Support and Preservation Program: https://www.brightpoint.org/strong-families/mental-health-wellness/community-based-services/ 
All Things Sensory Podcast by Harkla (an entire podcast about all the ways that Occupational Therapists can help): https://harkla.co/blogs/podcast 
OT provider list for families in the counties we serve-email abennett@therestorenetwork.org